Political Satire
ANC comrades during a community meet-and-greet
For over three decades, there was a man in this house called ANC.
Soon after returning from Robben Island and exile, he was suddenly monied. Worse, he was single, and abusive. Drunk on power. He believed he was untouchable because he was the sole provider. Everything you ate, wore, lived in, he provided. The house, the grant, the school, the clinic, the road – his money.
And because he was the sole provider, he believed he could do as he liked.
For the longest time the ANC, since its unbanning, was single and unmarried. He was that uncle, that father, that big man who came home late. For 30 years he was the only man in the yard.
The parents, children and family were concerned about the future of their legacy. The parents – that is the voters and, above all, Big Business – watched this man.
In the beginning, we loved him. He fought for this house. He went to prison for this house. He bled for this house. When he came back in 1994, we gave him everything. The keys to the safe. The title deed. The bank account. We said: You provide. You are the only one we trust.
And for a while he provided. He built RDP houses. He brought water. He brought electricity. He gave children grants.
But power does to a man what liquor does to a drunk. Slowly, he changed.
On his own, the ANC is irresponsible and unaccountable. It goes on far into the night drinking sprees, chasing slay queens, until the wee hours and cannot account for how it spent the money.
He started coming home late. 1999, he was late. 2004, he was later. By 2009, he did not come home at all. He was in the shebeen and sophistocated clubs with his new friends – the tenderpreneurs, the Guptas, the kleva blacks who wanted contracts. He drank. He spent.
BEARERS OF GOOD NEWS: ANC comrades delivering a wheelchair to the needy
We asked: Where is the money for the roof? The roof is leaking. He said: I am fixing it. Where is the money for school fees? He said: I paid, but the school stole it. Where is the money for the clinic? He said: Don’t question me, I am the provider. Do you have another provider?
That is the logic of the abusive sole provider. I provide, therefore I am untouchable. I provide, therefore you must tolerate my shenanigans.
For over three decades, as the sole provider, he has been on a destructive track. And the family has expressed its misgiving about his shenanigans.
The children – that is us, the citizens – complained. Mama complained. Gogo complained.
In 2016, the family first whispered: This man is beating us. He is eating alone. The food does not reach the children. That was the local elections where we first took away his credit card in Joburg, Tshwane, Nelson Mandela Bay.
In 2021, we shouted: He is drunk. He is wasting money. We took away more cards.
In 2024, we screamed: We cannot live like this. We gave half his power away in parliament. We said: You will now share the kitchen with other men.
It is only now that the family – especially Big Business – has intervened to stop this man called the ANC to put his life in order by getting him hitched.
That is what the 2026 local elections are. They are not a divorce. The family does not want divorce. If we wanted divorce, we would have given everything to the DA. We did not. We kept him as the biggest man in the house, but we said: You must marry. You must be partnered. Marriage somehow tames a man who cannot control himself.
Two heads are better than one for the ANC.
The parents – that is voters – want it married. For the sake of the children’s future.
Why marriage? Because a single man with money and no accountability is a dangerous force. He does not account. He does not come home. He believes children must be grateful that he exists, not that he provides well.
A married man must account. Where were you last night? Who was that woman you were with in the tender board? Why did you spend R20 million on a house in an exclusive estate when the children’s house in the Eastern Cape has no toilet? A partner will ask those questions.
A single ANC would never ask itself those questions. It would never arrest itself. It would never fire itself. It would never say: I was wrong about Eskom, about Prasa, about the Post Office.
A partnered ANC must.
When you have a partner in the house, you cannot be drunk every day. Your partner will say: Stop drinking, the children are watching. You cannot bring different women into the house every night – different factions, different business interests – your partner will say: This is our house now, not your shebeen.
You cannot spend the grocery money on alcohol and expect your wife to cook stones.
That is why coalitions are not punishment. They are lobola. They are marriage. The family is saying: We still love you, ANC, you are still our son, you fought for us, but you are sick. You are sick with being single for too long. You need a wife. You need a partner to humble you.
Some say: But the marriage will be messy. He will marry DA in some places, EFF in others, ActionSA in others, IFP in KZN. That is polygamy, not marriage.
No. That is how families arrange marriages. Forced marriages are transactional. African culture, if you like. In Limpopo, we marry him to a quiet wife. In Western Cape, to a white wife who knows how to keep books. In KZN, to an IFP wife who knows tradition. The parents know which partner will tame him in which yard.
He has not necessarily lost power. This is important. This man called ANC has not lost power. He is still monied. He still has the biggest kraal. He still has the most cattle. The family has not taken his cattle. The family has said: Because you have cattle, you must now share your cattle with a wife who will make sure the children eat.
A single unaccountable ANC is a dangerous force. Look at what he did when he was single. State capture. Corruption. Load shedding. 30% unemployment. Trains that do not run. Post Office that does not post. Water that does not run. All because no one could say: Enough.
A married ANC will have to say: Where is the money? Because his wife will be watching. The DA wife will watch the money in Jozi. The EFF wife will watch the land in Polokwane. The ActionSA wife will watch the borders in Soweto. The IFP wife will watch the loyalty in Durban.
For the first time in 30 years, he will have to answer: I spent it here.
That is what voters did. They did not kill him. They humbled him. They said: We love you enough to not let you kill yourself with alcohol and power.
Two heads are better than one.
A single man believes he is untouchable. A married man knows he is touchable every day when his wife asks: Did you buy bread?
That bread is service delivery. That bread is accountability.
The ANC must now buy bread every day and bring the receipt home.
And that is good for the children.
FOOD PARCELS distribution for the poor
